Friday, January 20, 2006

FO: The hat that never happened

I would like to introduce you to the Hat that Never Happened - it shall be herein referred to as the HTNH. It may look innocent enough at first, but upon further examination you will see that looks can be deceiving. It would like you to think that it might fit a human, any human, but I dare say that it would be loose on Andre the Giant - if he were still with us.
This hat is huge, nay gargantuan, and beyond that it is riddled with unfixable errors. When one commits to a stitch pattern involving "knit into the stitch bellow", one really commits. You are saying that you hereby agree that once you have done the stitch that you are willing to move on with your life, regardless of whether you were supposed to or not. You are taking this silent oath:

"I, the knitter, shall accept that this stitch cannot be undone without a serious committment to frogging or quality time with a crochet hook. I will be dilligent and pay attention to the knitting, regardless of how good "Lost" is, and will not accidentally do the stitch two stitches in a row or split the plies of the stitch below. I recognize the seriousness of this committment and understand that if it does not turn out correctly that I am wholly to blame."

I perhaps should have considered this oath before I entered into this stitch pattern. I should have done some reasearch, I should have swatched! I know that I have done wrong and that when the pattern went awry, I should have fixed it, but I didn't.
I also should have done my math with a calculator. I should have consulted patterns that state that a reasonable amount of stitches for a normal male head is around 88 stitches. I should considered that perhaps 128 stitches of worsted weight yarn, may have been a little excessive. I should have used my noodle, but I didn't.
It is not the hats fault that it is made so wrong. In fact, I apologize to hat for trying to make it something it's not. I admit that I did intentionally wash this hat made of 100% feltable wool, in hot water and did maliciously, with intent to shrink, toss it with wreckless abandon into the dryer on high. Unforunately my efforts were fruitless. The hat got no smaller. All that torture for naught.

And so, having maybe definately learned my lesson, I will someday soon cast on for another hat, worked from the botton up. I plan to use 2x2 ribbing, which I can actually read, instead of a non-reparable pattern that doesn't speak to me. I will only cast on 88-92 stitches, and I will knit according to the pattern, and not on a whim. I will never show this hat to my Grandfather. The HTNH shall only be refferred to as that, as it does not resemble anything that Susan needs to know about. The pattern is lovely, the knitter is to blame.

So please, go on with your days, speak of this to no one. If you must refer to this hat, please use the accronym, this will ease the pain of stupidity that I feel.

Move along, nothing to see here.....


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